Beautiful Sadness

I really appreciate all the comments I have received so far. They have all be really positive. Thank you.

So, I suppose I am on my way up again. I have been keeping myself really busy, so I haven't had time to dwell on things for any long period of time. Even now, I am discussing the subject of my depression and it's not upsetting me. It's not making me feel down, actually, I would go as far as saying I feel positive today.

I think the way thorugh this is to keep my mind active. Whether that is through working, reading, studying, exercising. Whatever. I find that once I get into something I get so stuck in that I seem to forget everything else.

For instance, I have been studying a lot lately as I am (hopefully) about to embrak on a career change. My chosen career has a rather demanding, drawn out selection process. I have had to do a massive amount of reading, learning and writing, not to mention exercising. There was a period of two weeks where I was waiting to hear if I had been successful with one of the stages in the process. It was the worst two weeks. I genuinely thought I hadn't passed so I stopped studying. I was so bored and that's when I found myself spiralling back into it.

However, two weeks after the assessment I receieved a letter to say that I had passed. Not only that, but I had passed well. Nothing can lift you out of depression faster than a massive amount of elation.

Acutely aware of the fact that I am rambling now. I really should go anyway. I have to get some groceries. Fun, fun, fun!

This really made me laugh!

I was just reviewing my posts and noticed at the top a link for suicide prevention. I'm not that bad!!! And I want to say now, that no matter how terrible things get, I will never be that bad.

Suicide. Another social taboo.

I have obviously read about all the suicides in Bridgend (the media is full of it) with overwhelming sadness. How anyone who is a similar age to myself can feel that there is simply no other option, no life ahead of them, nothing worth living for, is incomprehensible.

Suicide is the most selfish, cowardly decision anybody could ever make.

My Fiance has become increasingly worried about my mental state recently and I had to assure him on Saturday that just because I feel down and depressed doesn't mean suicide is something I would ever entertain. He loves me so much and to leave him would break his heart. I have my parents who would never cope with such a choice, my brother, my grandparents, my friends. The list of people who would be so terribly affected by such an irresponsible act makes the whole idea completely impossible.

No matter how bad you feel, no matter what debts you have, what addictions might haunt you, nothing in this world is so bad that there is no other option. EVER. Period.

Depression is a nasty, evil, vicious cycle.

You are depressed, so you can't be bothered. You can't be bothered, so you sit about doing nothing. You sit about doing nothing which makes you depressed. You are then more depressed, so you can be even less bothered.

The question is, how do you pull yourself out of this cycle? Do you allow yourself to sink so far into it that you can't possibly get any lower so that the only way is up? Do you force yourself to do something? Anything. Or do you leave it and wait for a miracle?

I have inevitably found myself trying to force my way out of the cycle. This really might work for a couple of weeks, months even. I might even begin to feel good. I know that sooner or later that big black hole, that I am constantly clawing my way out of, will open up and I shall once again find myself at the bottom.

Is there anyway to beat this? I don't want to take antidepressants. I don't want a life that is dependent on medication. I don't want to go to counselling, because, well, because I can't be bothered. Plus, I am embarassed about admitting that I have a problem. No one wants to have a mental illness, do they?

I watched Closer the other night with my Fiance. There is a really good quote in that film, which I think it worth mentioning:

Dan: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.

Larry: She doesn't want to be happy.

Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.

Larry: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

I wonder at how much truth is in that comment. More than I'll ever know I suppose.

Well, this is the first time that I have ever written a blog, but here goes.

I thought that I would start this as a form of therapy for myself. I have been suffering from bouts of depression for about 5 years now. I just feel so terrible. My favourtie phrase most of the time is "I can't be bothered". When I look around my house all I see is empty food wrappers, washing up, piles of dirty clothes and all my head is saying is "Can't be bothered." How rubbish is that?

I look at myself in the mirror and all I can see are the negatives. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. All of which are ridiculous. I'm not fat, I'm about a size 10/12. I'm not ugly (I'm no Claudia Schiffer though). OK, so maybe I don't always like what I'm wearing, but if I actually did some washing every now and again then maybe I would have some choices of what to wear.

I let myself get dragged down by worrying about the most ridiculous things too. Things that I have no control over, things I can't change, things that even if I could I wouldn't.

I want to write this blog for two reasons. One to help myself. Two, to show others out there that, although feeling depressed is the most lonely feeling in the world, you aren't alone.